So This Guy Walks Into a Bar

Author: Poisontaster

Fandom: Fantastic Four (movieverse)
Characters: Reed Richards, Johnny Storm
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2226
Warnings: None.
Spoilers: Um. If you don't know Reed & Sue are together, you really haven't been paying attention.
AN: Written for azuremonkey in the ioan_ficathon who requested gen fic, a drunken Reed, a night out with Johnny, prompt: Jose, Jim, and Jack. No slash and no Sue (mention, maybe, but no appearance). mona1347 is my clone and crutch. Previously posted to the ioan_ficathon community.



Sue had swept past him in the hallway, flickering in and out of visibility and the stamp of her high heels like tiny cannonball explosions. So Johnny knew what to expect.

More or less.

"Hey Reed."

He'd planned to breeze on past, catch a few z's and then get all glossed up and see what the night had to offer, preferably in a D-cup. But a sad Reed was sort of like a kicked puppy; you had to be a real bastard to ignore that. And whatever Ben liked to say on the subject, Johnny wasn't that much of a bastard.

"Oh." Reed said glumly. "Hello, Johnny."

Johnny sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the doorjamb. "So what'd you forget this time?"

"Tux fitting."

The wedding was in two days and Sue's level of pissed off tension had been steadily rising faster than Johnny's core temperature. Ben had seen it, piking off to Alicia's for a few days and only meeting up with them when there was some trouble brewing. Johnny saw it; the reason he'd kept his lips zipped, his head down and went out as much as humanly possible. But that was the thing about Reed; he never saw it coming.

You had to give it to Reed; he was consistently clueless.

Johnny sighed. "C'mon Reed. Get your shoes on. And…do you have anything less…" He gestured vaguely at Reed's clothes before reconsidering. "Yeah; scratch that. Let me find you something of mine."

Reed looked up at him blankly. "What?"

Jose

"Oh…" Reed took one look at the place and started to backpedal. Johnny was ready for it though, one hand on either of Reed's shoulder and his weight dug in. "Oh, Johnny, I don't think… This really doesn't look like my kind of place."

"Reed, you don't have a kind of place," Johnny said, and manhandled Reed through the door.

He had to admit, though, even if Reed did have a kind of place, it wouldn't be La Bruja Roja, dark and seedy, reeking of agave and sweat, loud with Latin tinged six-string rock. Johnny felt an unaccustomed pang. He wasn't going to call it guilt; he most emphatically didn't do guilt, but it was a pang of something.

Then a tiny, pretty young thing in a backless hot pink halter and smooth black leggings that clung to every slim generous curve walked past. Bright hazel eyes, mascara'd and ringed in kohl looked Johnny up, down and sideways and her lips curved in a smirk Johnny recognized all too well.

"This place, however, is hopping and you need to loosen up." Johnny propelled Reed, half heartedly resisting, to the bar. "My man," he shouted over the bar to the Wide Load slinging drinks, "can I get a couple shots for me and my friend here?"

Reed vainly tugged at the hem of the T-shirt Johnny bullied him into wearing, trying to pull it down further. He looked up, startled. "Oh…oh no. I'm not drinking."

Johnny and the bartender both looked at him.

"I mean… Well. Maybe…maybe a Sex on the Beach?" Reed looked both pleased and hopeful.

The bartender looked at Johnny. Johnny shrugged. "My sister's marrying him," he explained. The bartender nodded. "You got any Jose?"

The bartender looked vaguely offended.

"Right, right. Can I get four shots of Gold, please?" He spotted the pocket Venus from the door at the far end of the bar and nodded towards her. "And give the lady whatever she wants."

The bartender turned away and Johnny grabbed Reed by the arm. "Do not ever embarrass me like that again," he said tersely.

Reed's eyes get wide. "Like what?"

"You can't just walk into a place like this and order a girl drink like a Sex on the Beach unless you want to carry your teeth home in a jar…hey, can your teeth be broken? Or are they all…" Johnny gestured. "Stretchy?"

Reed looked thoughtful. "You know, I don't know. I mean…presumably. They are essentially the same as the rest of my bones." He opened his mouth a little and Johnny watched in dull and morbid fascination as Reed's teeth lengthened and shrunk, lengthened and shrunk.

"Oh. My. God. Stop that right now." Their drinks have appeared on the scarred surface of the bar; Johnny threw down some cash and handed Reed one of the glasses. "That's disgusting. Act for one moment like you know how to behave in public, will you?"

Johnny shook his head, slammed his shot, pounded the glass on the bar and then let loose a loud whoop. Reed winced.

"Now you." Johnny nodded at Reed.

Reed nodded. He's got that look in his eye, the one that said Johnny won't understand a single thing coming out of Reed's mouth and that he'll probably want to go home and putter around in his lab for the rest of the night. "I was just thinking…I might be onto something here. I mean, if I can calculate…"

And there's just no way Johnny's going to listen to geek gibberish all night. "Reed," he said, and clinked his second shot against Reed's untouched first. "Slainte."

Interrupted, Reed peered owlishly at the shot glass. Then he shrugged. "To your good health."

Johnny's known Reed a long time. He's also been to plenty of bars like this, and while Reed might be able to flex his way out of trouble, Johnny's not looking to mess up his pretty face. So when Reed's eyes widened, Johnny stepped up to him, put one hand on the back of Reed's head to hold him in place and put the other over Reed's mouth. "Swallow." Reed tried to shake his head, eyes frantic and begging—and is that…is he using his stretch to give Johnny puppy dog eyes? Johnny just told him again, "Swallow."

Reed huffed and swallowed and Johnny took a step back as Reed erupted into wet, hacking coughs.

"What…" Reed's voice is stripped out, he coughed again. "What the devil is that?"

Johnny leaned back on the bar and smirked. "That is Jose Cuervo Gold, my man." He signaled the bartender for more. "Welcome to your bachelor party."

Jack.

"…was I supposed to know she had a boyfriend?" Johnny asked plaintively as he opened the door.

Reed sighed. "Because they always have boyfriends."

Johnny looked at him. "And you would know this…how?" He looked around the new bar, trendily Art Deco with neon drinks in tall thin glasses and girls just as bright. "Now this is more like it." He put an arm around Reed's shoulder.

"I have had other girlfriends," Reed said stiffly as Johnny dragged him to one of the tall, black plastic tables.

"Really?"

"Well, you don't need to sound so surprised."

"Before or after puberty? Because some girl you Seven Minutes in Heaven'd in middle school doesn't really count."

Reed flushed.

The waitress walked up.

"Hello…" Johnny leaned forward to read the tiny nametag pinned artistically just at her cleavage, "Tania. I'm Johnny and this is Reed. Reed's getting married in a couple days to my sister and so I'm doing my best to make sure he has absolutely no memory of what happens between now and then. Think you can help us out?"

Tania's eyes roved appraisingly over Reed, who was vainly scratching at a stain on the knee of his pants. Johnny rolled his eyes. Still, the 'almost married' mojo does its work, even without any help from Reed—because really, it's like working with chimpanzees or something—and she sidled a little closer, putting one long-nailed hand on Reed's shoulder. "Oh, yeah, baby," she purred and Reed's head came up, startled. "I think we got just what you need."

"Erm. Do you have S.." Reed glanced at Johnny. "Hmm. What do you recommend?"

Tania made a show of looking him up and down, tousling her fingers through Reed's hair. "I think you look like a whiskey man, baby, all the way."

Reed looked a little horrified. "Whiskey? That sounds…I don't know. Sort of strong. I already had…" he looked at Johnny.

"Six," Johnny said helpfully, crossing his arms and just watching. He had no idea why this should be so hilarious, but he's not going to look a gift funny in the mouth. Or something.

Reed nodded and turned back to Tania, who now flirted her nails along the edge of Reed's collar, teasing touches against his neck. "Six shots of…Jose Cuervo Gold already."

"Mmm," Tania agreed mildly. "That's a lot."

"It is," Reed nodded again.

"So how 'bout a Long Island Iced Tea, baby?"

"Iced tea?" Reed smiled in relief. "Yes. Yes, that sounds like just the thing."

Jim.

"…just don't understand why we had to leave," Reed sort of sat, sort of fell into the wooden booth and looked around vaguely. "I was having a very nice time."

"Oh, I just bet you were," Johnny lounged back in the booth with a sigh. Dougal's was nothing like La Bruja Roja or Metaflash. It was a neighborhood pub where everybody knew everybody and everybody minded their own business. Johnny didn't like to admit he came here—he has a reputation to maintain, after all—but sometimes after a really long day, he just doesn't want to be bothered with more. Johnny figured Reed's soused enough and oblivious enough that his secret's probably safe.

He'd completely underestimated what a magnet that whole "I'm about to be married" vibe was for women. They didn't even mind when Reed had started going on about particle waves or some Star Trek nonsense. Tania kept on bringing Reed Long Island Iced Teas, which Reed sucked down like they were actually only tea.

Reed drunk was actually sort of charming…in a totally not-gay, brother-in-law-y sort of way. That intense, absorbed look that he usually only reserved for things in test tubes turned on to people instead and Johnny watched the ladies preen under the attention like houseplants starved for sunlight. Mentally, he resolved to get Reed righteously drunk shortly before the wedding ceremony; Suzie deserved a little of the wattage in that look, after all she and Reed had been through…

Johnny realized he might be a little drunk himself.

"Hullo Johnny, who's yer friend?" The waitress, Aileen, grinned at them both and tossed back a cascade of copper colored curls.

"Brother-in-law," he said and held out an arm to her. She came and perched lightly on his knee. "How you doing, darlin'?"

"If'n I were any better, there'd be two of me." She looked at Reed. "You got a name, brother-in-law?"

"Reed." Reed blinked at her and held out his hand, not quite steadily. Johnny and Aileen both put out a hand to set him back upright when he started to tip. "Reed Richards."

"Oh, aye." Aileen's voice warmed a little. "Mr. Fantastic, I heard of ye." She craned back at Johnny and raised one eyebrow. "What have you been giving him?"

"Hey, not me." Johnny spread his hands. "He has a thing for Long Island Iced Teas. He's a girl drink drunk."

Aileen rolled her eyes. "Well, ye'll not find nuthin here like that," she told Reed sternly. "I'll get y'some Jim Beam; that'll set ye straight." She wriggled around again to look at Johnny and he wished she wouldn't move quite so much, because it's been a long time since Nichelle this morning and Little Johnny's feeling a bit neglected. "Ye'll want you're usual, I'm supposing?"

"Um. Yeah."

Aileen gave one last butt-wiggle, just to show him she'd noticed and got up. "Comin' right up."

"You're an evil harlot, Aileen!" he called after her.

Aileen winked over her shoulder. "And don't you forget it, darlin'."

"She likes you," Reed said. He's leaning against the back of the booth, eyes closed.

"Oh my God, Reed." Johnny slouched back himself. "Do not give me romantic advice. Like…ever."

"Sorry." Reed's eyes open slowly. "Isn't that what brothers in law are supposed to do?"

"Yeah…well…"

"You know, you've never called me that before. Before tonight."

"Reed. You're drunk."

"Ah. Yes. But!" Reed held up a finger. "I am also very smart."

Johnny snorts. "And very stupid. Particularly when it comes to women."

"But we're no longer talking about women."

"Then what are we talking about? I've lost the topic."

"We're talking about you."

"Oh, we're really not," Johnny groaned and put his head in his hands.

"I really love your sister, you know."

"For the love of God, Reed. I know that you probably think this is one of those male bonding moments and all, but I swear I 'll… Well, I don't know what, you're practically indestructible, at this point, but I'll think of something."

Reed said nothing. When Johnny looked up from his hand, he saw Reed's eyes were again shut. Reed was breathing slow and even and Johnny thought he'd probably fallen asleep.

"You were always a brother to me," Johnny murmured, soft as he could.

Reed smiled suddenly, so wide Johnny wasn't sure Reed wasn't putting the stretch on it. "I heard that."

Damn. "Yeah, well, you're drunk." Johnny grumbled. "And so am I."

"Yep." Johnny didn't think he'd ever heard Reed use the word 'yep' before. He'd have bet Reed wasn't even capable. "Probably won't even remember this tomorrow."

Johnny nodded. "As long as we're clear on that."

-fin-