Surrogates
Author: Astore
Fandom: Lancer
Rating: U Gen
Notes: Many thanks to Janet and
Barb for fixing my mistakes and the suggestions which improved the story. Any
remaining mistakes belong to me. I also want to thank Janet for allowing me to
use Maura as a character and to Wendy for allowing me to use the explaination of how Scott was named which appeared in her
story, The First Birthday.
"Boys, I have
a job for you to do". Murdoch Lancer was sitting at the breakfast table
with his two sons. It had been 4 months since the arrival of these two at
Lancer. It was a time of getting to know one another and adjusting to living a
whole new way, especially for the youngest, Johnny. After his mother, Maria,
had left Murdoch, taking him with her, his life had been one of drifting from
town to town while his mother looked for whatever way she could to support them
and then after her death, he did the same on his own. He never lived with a
family, never had to consider others when making his plans and it had caused some
problems at the ranch and with Murdoch. Johnny had actually left a few weeks
ago with his old friend Wes, thinking that he again wanted to experience that
"sense of freedom: but he came to realize the freedom he thought he had
was more of a prison than one with bars and had returned. Murdoch welcomed him
back and the family continued their tentative journey of coming to know one
another.
The eldest son,
Scott had been raised by his grandfather in
"What's that,
Sir?" Scott asked.
"You haven't
met them yet, but two of my oldest friends, Nuala and
Aisling Carlin, have a small farm about a 2 mile ride
from here. Every couple of months I go over or send some hands over to see if
there is anything that needs to be done on the farm. I think it would be a good
idea for you boys to go this year. It would give you a chance to meet some of
your neighbors."
Johnny didn't look
up but Scott could tell that this was not news he wanted to hear. Scott noticed
that Johnny was always a little hesitant about meeting new people.
"What would
we be doing at the farm?" Johnny asked.
"Their barn
needs some work on the roof and I know that the irrigation ditch needs some
work as well. It will be good for both of you".
"What will be
good"? This question came from Teresa O'Brien. Teresa was Murdoch's ward,
the daughter of his closest friend, Paul O'Brien. O'Brien had been killed by
the same land pirates who were the reason Murdoch had asked his sons to come to
him. Since the boys had come home,Teresa
had taken on the role of a go between for Murdoch and his sons. Teresa was
taking her self-described role as a sister very seriously.
"Johnny and
Scott are going over to Nuala's" explained
Murdoch.
"Wonderfu!", Teresa exclaimed.
"You'll have a great time Nuala and Mamo are wonderful people. They are two of the best people
I know."
"Mamo, what kind of name is that?" Johnny asked.
"Oh, that's
Gaelic for granny, her name is Aisling but everyone
calls her Mamo. She knows as much about horses as you
do Johnny."
"Doubt
it," he murmured under his breath.
"Why are they
on the farm alone?" Scott asked.
"Nuala's husband, Barney, died about six years ago. They
only had one child, a daughter, Moire, who has
married and moved to
"How old are
these people?" asked Johnny.
Murdoch laughed.
"Well, Nuala would be about Scott's mothers age, so about 47 or 48, and I'm not sure about Aisling - she seems ageless."
"Don't seem
like a lot of fun spending time with two old ladies," grumbled Johnny.
"Be careful
what you're considering old, boy" - Murdoch growled, "and I think, by
the end of your time with them, you'll find that these two are younger than
most people you know." answered Murdoch.
"Murdoch, are
you sure that the ladies will be comfortable with two strangers in their home.
After all, they have no idea who we are," said Scott.
"I'm sure
that they will be fine but I did plan on riding over tomorrow and make sure
that there isn't any problem. And now, I'm going to spend some time on the
books and then go to bed."
"I don't know
"Well, I
don't think we have much choice. At least we'll be going over together, it'd be
worse if he just picked one of us ", said Scott.
"Yah, well I
guess this is one of those 'adjustments' Murdoch is always preaching to me
about." said Johnny.
Scott laughed,
"Yes, little brother, I think you're right."
Murdoch rode into
the Carlin farm early the next morning and caught Nuala
on the way to the hen house. It was as Murdoch had described to the boys a
small farm but it was efficiently run and the ladies were as good as any man in
taking care of their stock and land. Mamo loved
horses and seemed to communicate with them as one person communicated with
another. Those ranchers not afraid to trust the word of a female got as good
advice from Aisling about their stock as they would
from any man, sometimes better.
This was one piece
of information that had helped form Murdoch's plan. He was hoping that Aisling's and Johnny's love of horses would provide a
bridge that would allow a relationship to build between the two. He felt that
Scott would be able to bond with Nuala - she was a calm, caring person and Murdoch saw those same traits in
his oldest son.
Nuala and Aisling knew Catherine and Maria. Nuala
and Catherine were close friends during the time that Catherine was at Lancer.
They were both pregnant and shared a lot. Nuala had
also married someone outside of what her family had considered their social
status. In
Nuala and Aisling were also around for Maria and Murdoch knew that
this would be a more sensitive subject. While she never said anything, Nuala was not fond of Maria and both she and Aisling were horrified when she left with Johnny. They had
both spent a lot of time watching the baby at Maria's request and felt his loss
when she left. Murdoch was hoping that Johnny would come to some understanding
of the situation so that they could move beyond their individual feelings for
this woman and start to build their own relationship.
"Good
Morning, Murdoch, how are you, how are the boys? When do we meet them?"
"Slow down, Nuala," Murdoch laughed. "I'm fine, they're fine
and that will be up to you if you're willing to take on a couple of
hands."
"Murdoch, how
many times do we have to tell you....."
"I can see
from here that the barn roof needs looking after and what about the irrigation
ditch, didn't you see Maria after Mass on Sunday and tell her that it was
falling in in spots?" asked Murdoch.
"I did and as
soon as it was out of my mouth I regretted it. I tried to get her to promise
that she wouldn't say anything but I guess that didn't work."
"Well, I
would have found out about it anyway - and I have a proposition for you."
said Murdoch.
"Get off that
horse and come inside for tea and I'll listen to your 'proposition' Murdoch
Lancer."
Murdoch swung off
his horse and grabbed his old friend in a bear hug. Laughing they went into the
house for their tea.
"Good day to
you Aisling. You go well, I hope."
"Good day to
you Murdoch, I do and thank you. I'm glad to see you, you old Scotsman."
"Now Aisling, a Scot is as Celtic as any Irishman," Murdoch
said with a grin.
"Not
as," Aisling answered with a smile, "but
enough, enough."
Murdoch laughed
and gave the woman a kiss on the forehead.
"Now,
Murdoch, your 'proposition', said Nuala.
"Well, Nuala, I'd like to send the boys over to help out."
"Murdoch, I
have told you over and over that there is no need for that and telling you
again would have no effect I'm sure. But I'm curious, why would they want to
spend time with two old ladies they don't even know."
"Well, to be
honest Nuala, it wasn't their idea. It was mine and I
have an ulterior motive."
"I thought as
much, go on, tell us about it," said Aisling.
"First you
tell me, would you be comfortable with the boys helping out?"
"Your
sons, Murdoch! Why do you even ask?"
"Well, I
hardly know them Nuala and you don't know them at
all. I wanted to be sure that you and Aisling are
okay with the idea." Murdoch answered.
"I held your
youngest more times than I can count Murdoch," Aisling
said. "I will be happy to see him again."
"Well, he's
not a baby anymore, Mamo, and he has had a hard time
growing up. You've heard that he grew up as Johnny Madrid - the gunfighter?"
"I heard,
Murdoch, I heard but I've learned throughout my life not to pay too much
attention to what I hear but to find out for myself," replied Aisling.
Murdoch swallowed
hard. He had to admit that he was nervous about Johnny's reputation and how these
two good women would feel about him. He should not have been surprised by their
reaction and he was grateful for good friends.
"Nuala?"
"Murdoch,
don't even waste a moment of concern about it, your sons are welcome here
anytime and not just when you're forcing them to do some work!!"
"Well, you
haven't heard my second request yet. "
"And that
is?"
"There is a strangeness between us, Nuala,
Some of it because we are new to one another, and the boys are new to the idea
of ranching. They've left lives where they basically only needed to be
concerned about themselves and now are part of a whole. They have a
"sister" to get used to as well. I will say, though, that Scott and
Johnny seem to be getting to know and rely on each other. But questions about
their mothers and why they didn't grow up on Lancer hang in the air. I'm not
sure that I can answer the questions they have, I'm not sure that they feel
comfortable even asking me. Do you know what I'm about to ask?"
"You want Mamo and me to explain their mothers to these boys?", asked Nuala.
"Yes."
"Well
Murdoch, I understand what you are saying. I'm not sure that they will want to
talk about it to a stranger. But, if it comes up naturally, I will do what I
can. You understand that speaking of Maria will be more difficult than speaking
of Catherine?"
"I do Nuala, and I'm thinking that Aisling
is better for that?"
"Why, boyo, my opinion of Maria and what she did isn't any
different than Nuala's."
"It's just
something I feel, Mamo. I think Johnny will be
comfortable with you. I haven't told you but he has a way with horses much the
same as you.
"Well,
Murdoch, if the boys will come and the opportunity comes up, we'll do what we
can.", said Nuala.
Murdoch rode away
satisfied that he had a least done something to address the questions he knew
his sons had - now all he could do was hope that they would be able to ask
them.
"Scott give Nuala and Mamo
my love. Take care of yourselves. I'll miss you."
"See you soon
Teresa," said Scott.
"Johnny, I'll
miss you too, will you at least smile before you go?'
Johnny flashed a
grin at his "little sister".
"Adios, hermana, we'll be back soon."
"Boys take
advantage of your time with the Carlins. Take care of
yourselves." said Murdoch.
"Come on
brother, cheer up! We might as well make the best of the situation, we can't
change it much. No use being miserable the whole time."
"
"Don't be so
suspicious. I'm sure Murdoch wants us to get to know the neighbors and this way
is easer than all at once. Or would you prefer displaying your
"extra-charming personality" to a large gathering at a party in our
honor at the house? That's the way is done in
Scott didn't know
the man riding beside him very well yet but he had a feeling that he would not
enjoy all that attention focused on him.
"No, no, if
we gotta meet folks this is the way to do it but I
figure we'll never actually be working on Lancer if Murdoch's gonna be sending
us off all over creation to do chores just so we can meet people."
Johnny's voice and
the expression on his face was so forlorn that Scott laughed and said,
"Come on, little bother it won't be the tortures of hell - it might even
fun, gives us some time to get use to the idea of 'brotherhood' - I'll race you
to the top of the ridge."
At that, Johnny's
face lit up and the two brothers took off at a gallop.
As they neared the
farm, Johnny grew pensive again. Scott sensed this withdrawal and hoped that
Johnny would relax once they had met the ladies and started the chores. He had watched
Johnny get to know the hands and their families at the ranch over the past four
months. He seemed to make friends easily, was especially good with the children
and had won everyone's respect with his hard work and his ability with horses
but, as he thought about it, Scott realized that whenever there were visitors
to the ranch, Ladies Aid Society, Cattleman's Association or just someone
dropping in, Johnny left as soon as he could. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea
- if it helped Johnny become more comfortable in social situations. As the sons
of the largest rancher in the valley, social obligations would quickly become
part of their responsibility
Having been raised
by one of the wealthiest businessmen in
Fortunately,
Scott's warm personality and genuine interest and concern for people had made
him open to everyone regardless of their station in life. So along with
dinners, receptions and balls, he had spent and enjoyed time with the servants
in his grandfather's home, the children of the working families in his
Johnny was getting
more anxious as they neared the farm. He hated the feeling. <I've faced
gunslingers, land pirates, Mexican rurales but the
thought of meeting two little old ladies is giving me the shakes.> Johnny
Lancer did not have the self-confidence of Johnny Madrid. He was sure that
people, once they knew of his past, would turn away from him.
Johnny's life had
not been easy. Soon after Maria left Murdoch for a gamble, the gambler left her
leaving the mother and child on their own. Maria found
comfort in men and alcohol, often forgetting the small child waiting for her.
The men who took care of Maria were not always happy to see that a child was
part of the package and he was often neglected and abused. His dual heritage
was apparent to everyone who saw him so he found no acceptance outside his home
either. Johnny had learned very early how to keep himself safe by drawing as
little attention to himself as possible.
It was near lunchtime
when the boys finally reached the ranch. Nuala was on
her porch and watched them approach. She wondered what Murdoch expected her to
accomplish on this "visit". Two boys, men, really,
strangers to the ladies. Was Murdoch hoping that a conversation about
Catherine and Maria would wipe away years of questions and resentment? If he
was, she was sure he would be badly mistaken. But, she had promised that if the
subject came up naturally, she would do what she could. As for Mamo, she was a wise woman who had survived a potato
failure, the loss of a husband, an ocean crossing and then travel across a
strange country. Mamo would do what she felt best and
it may not be what Murdoch felt was best. It would be an interesting couple of
days.
Scott and Johnny rode
into the farmyard. It was much as Murdoch had described. A small but well kept
farm with a barn to the right of the farmhouse and a small corral with two pens
just beyond the barn. There was a lone horse in the outer pen. The hen house
was to the left of the farmhouse and what looked like a small smokehouse just
beyond that. A quick look at the barn roof revealed that it did indeed need
some work but not much more than maybe a day or two. The irrigation ditch might
take a little more time but Scott was glad to see that their time at the Carlin
farm would not be long.
Nuala came out to the
yard as the boys rode in. She was a handsome woman, tall, thin, her reddish
brown hair pulled back from her face. Her eyes were a light hazel and her
friendly smile put Scott at ease.
"Welcome,
boys, it's nice to finally meet you, I've heard a lot about you both. I'm sorry
that you've been "hired out". I hope you don't mind too much"
said Nuala with a smile.
"Not at all,
ma'am, we're happy to help out," replied Scott.
"Happy to
help, ma'am," echoed his brother.
"None of that
'ma'am' talk, my name is Nuala
and I'd be pleased if you would call me by my name."
"Now, you
must be Scott and you're Johnny."
"Right, ma.. Nuala" acknowledged Scott.
"It's amazing
how much you both resemble your mothers."
There it was. It
slipped out as naturally as saying hello. Nuala was
startled to see Catherine and Maria looking at her in the form of their sons.
She now knew what Murdoch meant when he said that the subject hung in the air
between him and his sons. She waited for the reaction to her remark.
Johnny instantly
hung his head and looked extremely uncomfortable; Scott merely smiled and
nodded his head.
"Well, she
thought, I'll let it go for now and see what happens."
Just then there
was movement from behind the house and a woman, not more than 5' tall appeared
before the three. She was about 60 or so, straight-backed and clear-eyed. It
was apparent that she had been an attractive woman in her younger days. Her
white hair was plaited and pinned around her head; her blue eyes were clear and
honest. Her welcoming smile was playful.
"Dia dhut," said the small
woman.
"Mamo, you'll frightened them with
the strange tongue," Nuala said laughing.
"Nonsense,
daughter, they both have Celtic blood in them, they should know these
things."
Nuala laughed again,
"Dia dhuit, boys,
Gaelic for welcome - come on, get down off the horses. She's not as frightening
as she seems."
Nuala led Scott and
Johnny into the house and got together a lunch for them.
Aisling took a moment to
study the boys as they sat at the table. She saw the same thing that Nuala had; the physical resemblance that both of them had
to their mothers. Scott seemed relaxed and confident but she sensed a reserve
about him. Johnny seemed a little uncomfortable and deferred to his brother to
handle most of the small talk at the table. Aisling
had heard the ranchers' gossip about this young man. Murdoch's gunfighter son -
good for the land wars but what about after the fight? Did the ranchers want
someone with Johnny's reputation living in their midst. From what she had seen
so far, this was not a hard man but a young man not sure of himself and what
was expected of him. She could still see the baby who crawled around her feet
in the face and eyes of this boy. She had heard the stories and she wondered
what harm had been done to this child in the past eighteen years.
Her thoughts were
broken by Nuala telling her that lunch was ready.
Aisling decided to jump
right in.
"Tell me
boys, how do you find life at Lancer."
"Well, ma'am,
so far it's been fine. I've had to learn a lot but it seems to be going petty
well," said Scott.
"And you
Johnny, how are you finding it?"
"Fine."
"Conversationalist
are you, lad?" she said with a smile.
Johnny's head snapped
up and an angry reply was on his lips until he saw the gentle eyes looking at
him with compassion and understanding. The look both confused and comforted him
and he went back to concentrating on his lunch, not sure how to respond.
"Scott,
you're from
"Yes,
ma'am."
"Now that's
the second time you've called me ma'am. Please call me Mamo,
everyone does. My family landed at
"What made
you leave
"My husband
had been killed during a skirmish with the British. I was left on the farm with
my son, Barney and Nuala. They had just married. The
potato crop failed, the Great Hunger had begun. It was 1845. We tried to hold
on but by the next harvest it was clear that the crop was again blighted. My
son made the decision to leave. We were lucky, those
that stayed went through the worst of times. The hunger lasted until 1849 and
millions died. We were able to raise the passage for
"I remember
the Irish in
"I remember
stories of the Irish fighting in the Mexican army against the
"You're
speaking of the San Patricios, are you lad?"
asked Aisling.
"Yea, there
were stories that they had deserted and joined the Mexican Army to fight
against the Yankee invasion - sorry Scott," said Johnny sheepishly.
"No, Johnny,
I've heard the same stories. The claims of desertion don't fit with my
experience with Irish troops in the war but I know that there are many career
soldiers who have strong feelings about the San Patricos."
said Scott.
"You're
right, Scott", said Aisling. The 'San Patricos' were labeled deserters and they were but they
left an army who discriminated and abused them because of their religion and
because they were Irish. It seems they found more of a connection with the
Mexican rebels than with their Army officers.
"But, we were
happy to survive our trip across the country and settle here. Most of the
settlers were looking to establish large ranches and estates. Barney was happy
to be able stake a claim on some land and establish a farm. What you see today
is much the same as Barney farmed it. The corral pens were added a few years
before he died. So Scott, that is how we came to be
where we are today."
"I think you
boys have had enough of a history lesson for now.",
said Nuala. Why don't we show you around the farm and
then let you settle in and start work tomorrow. I have the spare room all ready
for you."
"Ah, ma'am, Nuala, I'm just as happy to stay in the barn, you don't
have to go any trouble for
There was almost a
hint of panic in his voice.
"Now, Johnny,
I wouldn't think of you staying in the barn when we have a perfectly good room
for you" said Nuala.
Scott thought he
knew why Johnny did not want to stay in the house. During the time of Johnny's
recovery from the wounds he received during the Pardee
incident, Scott had often stayed with him and witnessed the nightmares he had.
Scott had hoped that once he was well, the nightmares would stop but he knew
they hadn't. He wondered if Johnny was afraid that he would have nightmares
here and that the ladies would overhear. Scott was trying to think of a way to
support Johnny's request to stay in the barn when Aisling
spoke up.
"Don't be
silly Nuala. Let the boy stay where's he is most comfortable.
He looks like a "sleep out in the open fellow' to me."
Johnny shot her a
look of gratitude.
Scott tried to
make light of the situation to save Johnny and Nuala
embarrassment.
"I agree, Nuala, Johnny likes open spaces - and I'm happy to have a
'private room' all to myself."
Nuala recognized
Scott's attempt to take care of both of them. <Taking care of everyone
around him. I wonder who takes care of him>, she thought.
And so, with the
sleeping arrangements made, the tour of the farm began.
It was a
self-sustaining farm. There was a small herd of milking cows, the hen house,
pigs and a crop growing on about 10 acres of land. There was a vegetable garden
and apple tree in the back of the home. In the inner corral pen were three
horses and a buggy. Nuala mounted her horse to take
the boys out to the irrigation ditch so they could see what needed to be done.
The irrigation
ditch was beginning to collapse in on itself and would
need to be re-dug in places and shored up. The boys could see that some work had
been done on the ditch.
"Someone's
been up here already," Scott said.
"Oh, yes, Mamo and I have done this a number of times. I guess
Murdoch thought that you boys might be able to repair it a little more
permanently."
"Well, we'll
certainly try - I think we can handle this and the roof without too much
problem," Scott said with a smile.
.
With that the threesome rode back to the farm house. As they passed the corral,
Johnny again noticed the lone horse.
"Why is the
horse out there on its own, does it belong to
you," he asked?
"No, that's a
horse that Jeb Browing
brought over to Mamo. She's been skittish and riles
up the other horses in the barn. Jeb was hoping Mamo could do something with her. She just arrived
yesterday - beautiful animal, isn't she. She's called
Apache."
The horse was a
paint- a mare about 16 ½ hands. She pranced around the corral nervously and
Johnny felt sorry for her being penned up.
He would have
loved to go over and get a closer look.
"Well boys,
the work can wait until tomorrow. I'll finish my wash, you can settle in, and
we'll meet again for dinner. We usually eat around six."
"Sounds fine,
we'll see you then."
"Well,
brother, this might not be so bad, the ladies are nice and friendly and the
work doesn't seem like it will be too bad.", said
Scott.
"Yea. I'm gonna get my
gear to the barn." answered Johnny.
The lure of the
horse proved too great for Johnny. After stashing his bed roll in the barn, he
took a walk over to the corral. He climbed the fence and gently eased himself
into the pen. The horse immediately began to whinny and neigh and it seemed
like she was starting to rear. Johnny went over, talking slowly and softly in
Spanish to the animal. She calmed down a little and allowed Johnny to approach.
He began to pat her withers and continued to speak soothingly to the horse.
Aisling stood on the
porch and watched Johnny and the horse. Smiling to herself, she was satisfied
that Johnny had the gift she and her son had shared. The challenge now was to
get him working with her. She also decided that she would do as Murdoch has
asked and try to get Johnny to ask about his mother. She saw a young man who
was worth knowing. The stories of his exploits as a gunfighter did not jive
with the young man before her. She wanted to know more about him.
Scott had washed
up and walked into the farmhouse kitchen. As he passed the window, he noticed
Johnny in the corral and smiled. Nuala noticed.
"You're
smiling, Scott?"
"Yes, I was
watching Johnny with that horse. I think if he had a choice he'd pick horses
over humans every time."
"He sounds
like my husband and Mamo, some people just have that gift."
"Yes, I guess
so. May I help you with the table?"
"I'd be
pleased to have your help, it's nice to have some men
to feed."
After a fine but
simple supper of beef, potatoes, corn and apple pie, Johnny and Scott excused
themselves and went outside for some time before going to bed.
Nuala and Aisling cleaned up..
"What do you
think, child? Will you speak of Catherine and Maria to the boys?"
"Yes, Mamo, I think I will. Murdoch's right, I sense so many
unspoken questions. It may be a blessing for them to hear about their mother
without having to worry about how it affects Murdoch. What do you think?"
"I agree and
I believe that I will be able to convince Johnny to help me with Apache. It may
be easier for him to open up with the horse as a distraction."
At that Scott came
back in and announced that Johnny had bunked down and that he would be doing
the same.
Everyone was up
early the next morning and the boys went to work on the barn roof. They worked
all day, with a short break for lunch and by dinnertime most of the roofing
work was done. They were sure that they would be able to finish up the next
day.
Scott and Johnny
were offered a whiskey after dinner and they all retired to the ladies' living
room. Nuala had a great deal of questions about
"Do you miss
"Oh,
sometimes. I miss some of the opportunities of city life and I miss my
grandfather." he answered
"Do
you?"
"Does that
surprise you," Scott asked.
"I guess I
was assuming that since you were willing to leave
"That's okay.
I do have some feelings about being kept away from my father all those years
but I am still grateful to my grandfather. He did raise me and I believe he
loves me."
"May I ask a
question?"
Here it comes, Nuala thought. It seems that opening the subject of
Catherine would be easier than she thought.
"Certainly,
Scott, what is it?"
"Did you know
Johnny's mother?"
Johnny's mother! she thought! She wasn't expecting that question!
"Yes, yes, I
did."
"What was she
like?"
"Why do you
ask, Scott?"
"Well, I
don't know how much you know about my brother, I'm sure you've heard the
stories that the townspeople and ranch hands are telling but he isn't like that
at all. He's loyal, and caring, and gentle. I've seen him with children, they
swarm around him and he has so much patience with them and they..."
"Boy, boy,
you're getting yourself riled up! Yes, I've heard the stories but nothing I've
seen today would make me afraid of Johnny."
"I'm sorry,
it's just that he seems to have gone through a lot in his life and I want
things to work out for him now."
"I'm sure
they will," said Nuala,"but what about you,
are things working out for you?"
Nuala found it
interesting that Scott had asked about Maria and was so defensive of Johnny. It
confirmed her earlier impression that Scott saw himself in the role of
caretaker for his brother.
"Yes, I'm
happy here. It's good to have a family and I'm learning more and more each day
about ranching."
"I'm glad to
hear it Scott. You asked about Maria. What did you want to know?"
"Why do you
think she left the ranch and took Johnny with her?"
"I have to be
careful, Scott. It's easy to be unfair to the woman because I was so angry with
her for leaving and for taking that baby with her. When she first came to the
ranch with Murdoch, we were surprised. She was so different from Catherine.
When I think of it, we were probably not as welcoming in the beginning as we
could have been because of the comparison. But, after a while, we realized that
she made Murdoch happy and that Catherine would never have denied him that
happiness. Your mother loved your father very much, Scott.
"For the
first year, things seemed to go well. Murdoch was working hard on building his
ranch and Maria seemed interested in helping. The baby was born and it seemed
to solidify their relationship. That child was well on his way to becoming very
spoiled between me and Mamo and Maura Talbot,"
she smiled. "But from the time Johnny was about a year old or so, things
began to change. She became very moody, seemed to resent the time caring for
the baby. Requests to watch him while she went to town for "supplies"
or to see a friend or help someone who was feeling poorly came more and more
frequently. We began to hear rumors of a man and finally one night, she just
left. By the time she left, I can honestly say that none of the woman around
here were sorry that she was gone but we were all horrified that she had taken
Johnny with her. Your father was devastated. He spent his entire time searching
for her. Thank God for Paul O'Brien or the ranch would have gone completely
down hill. As it was, it suffered. Finally, he gave up and resigned himself to
the fact that he would never find them. Your father was a changed man, Scott.
He focused entirely on building his ranch and while it was important to him,
there was no joy in his life."
"Why do you
think she took Johnny with her? From what you say, it seems that she was trying
to get away from any domestic responsibility."
"Ah, that was
a topic of discussion in the quilting circle for quite some time, Scott. I've
always had two opinions on that matter. Neither of them very
charitable."
"Are you
willing to tell me?"
"Well, one I
think that Maria knew that most of the women here did not have a high opinion
of her and leaving her husband would do nothing to improve it but leaving her
child as well would be absolutely damning. I also think she intended to use
Johnny as sort of an insurance policy in case she every decided she wanted to
return. She could use Johnny as a means to get to Murdoch. Both those theories
may be entirely unfair, but that's the way I feel."
"Well, it
sounds as good a reason as any, I wondered why she
never tried to come back. From what I can piece together, they didn't have a
pleasant life."
"I suppose
you get caught up in a way of life and it's hard to break out of it," said
Nuala.
"We can only
leave her to the mercy of God." she added softly.
"I wish she
had felt some mercy for Johnny and gave him the option of going to his father
if he wanted to." Scott said with some bitterness.
Scott and Nuala sat in silence for a while, each
thinking about their conversation and the effects of Maria's decisions
on the Lancers.
Nuala also wondered
about Scott and how he was feeling. She was still shocked that the first
question from him had been about Johnny's mother and not his own. She could see
the empathy Scott had for his brother and his anger over the life Johnny had
been made to endure. Nuala was warmed by this
generous young man and his sense of compassion but she also worried that he was
downplaying his own sense of abandonment by his father.
"Well, Nuala, thank you for a fine supper, I think I'll say
goodnight to Johnny and then get to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
"Good night
Scott."
Nuala promised herself
that they would be discussing Catherine sometime tomorrow.
Scott went out to
see Johnny and was not surprised to find him in the corral.
"What are you
up to, little brother?"
"Just
checking on the horse, seems a little skittish."
"Well I'm
getting ready to go to bed, we should be able to finish the roof tomorrow and
then start out on the irrigation ditch."
"Okay,
Aisling waited for Scott
to go back into the house before she approached the corral.
"What do you
think, child. Can the horse be saved?"
Johnny was
startled by her approach and quickly swung around and felt for his gun. Aisling noticed the movement but did not react to it.
When Johnny saw
who it was, he was embarrassed and hung his head.
"This child
spends most of his time looking at his feet," Aisling
thought.
Still looking down,
he apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't expect that
it would be you this late."
"No worry,
child, I was just getting ready to go to bed when I thought I'd check on
Apache, I shouldn't have walked up on you that way. I'm glad to know that we
safe on the ranch while you're here, she said with a smile in her voice.
"Tell me, what do you think of the horse?"
"She's a fine
animal, her spirit seems to have been broken a bit but once you let her know
that you respect her, you can get near her."
"That's true,
that's true. Your Da told me that you have a way with
horses."
"He
did?!"
"You sound
surprised - now why would that surprise you?"
"Oh, I guess,
I'm never really sure what the Old Man is thinking."
There was a touch
of regret and resentment in Johnny's voice and Aisling,
knowing Murdoch's, temper and stubbornness, wondered how many battles Johnny
and Scott had had with Murdoch since the boys return.
"I wonder, Johnny, would you work with me on Apache for the time
you're here?"
"Sure, Ma.. Mamo, I'd be happy to."
The two stood
there in silence watching the horse walk the corral.
Suddenly, Johnny
broke the silence.
"Mamo, can I ask a question?"
"Yes,
child?"
"Did you know
Scott's mother?"
Unlike Nuala, Aisling was not entirely
surprised that the first question had been about his brother's mother and not
his own.
"I did."
"What was she
like?"
"Catherine
was a lovely woman. She was very much a lady but entirely committed to the hard
work that building a ranch took. She spent many days out on the range with your
father. He didn't have the hands and help he does today and the work of the
ranch fell on them both. But I believe it was a wonderful time for them. They
were very much in love, you could see it just by
looking at them. And when it came to be known that she was carrying Scott, you
would have thought that no other woman had ever given birth, Murdock was that
over the moon about it."
Aisling smiled
remembering the excitement and joy of the two young people as they waited for
the birth of their child.
"Murdock talked
constantly about the child and how, male or female, how he was looking forward
to being a father and passing his dream on to his child."
"Right around
the time for your brother to be born, land wars began to break out around us.
The news of the richness of the valley was spreading and many were trying to
run the ranchers off their land and take over. Murdock was worried for
Catherine and decided to send her away for her safety. Her father had come out
to be with her for the birth and when she died, he took Scott back with him to
'And then, my
mother.."
"Yes, Johnny,
then Murdoch met Maria. I think that he was even more convinced that Scott
would be returning to the ranch now that there was a family to take care of
him, but for some reason, it did not happen. Whenever anyone tried to bring the
subject up - and believe me, I did- Murdoch would get very angry and refuse to
speak about the situation at all. I never did learn why it took so long for
Scott to come out and be with his father."
The two shared
some silences, each with their own thoughts.
"Who named
him?" Johnny broke the silence.
"Who named
him?"
"Yea, who
called Scott, Scott."
<Oh, there was
much more to this boy that people realize>, Aisling
thought.
"Murdoch
and Catherine. Scott William was the name given to the first born
son of a Lancer for generations. Even though he is gone from his homeland,
Murdoch still feels a strong connection to
"I'll see you
in the morning Johnny. Oíche mhaith,
codladh sámh , Good night, sleep well."
"Good night"
Johnny walked slowly back to the barn. She was a nice old lady, he thought,
funny how she's always throwing them foreign words in but I guess not really, I
use Spanish all the time. Never thought there was any other language I'd be
connected to. He thought about the conversation with Mamo.
It was clear that she was very fond of Scott's mother. I wonder what she
thought about my mother. Probably not much, Johnny figured. Hell, sometimes I
don't know what I think about my mother. I loved her but I never understood why
we lived the way we did - and Teresa telling me that the Old Man never kicked
her off the ranch ... Why, Madre, why- ....
Scott lay on the
bed thinking over his talk with Nuala. He liked her.
As much as he was enjoying his new life, it was nice to have someone to talk
about books and plays - connecting him to what had been his life for 24 years.
The conversation about Maria was interesting. Nuala
seemed to be willing to look at the situation from both sides but she was
definitely not happy about what had Maria had done to Murdoch. Scott was glad
that Johnny had had people caring from him then, even if it was just for a
short while. Her idea of why Maria left with Johnny and stayed away made sense
logically but Scott could not forgive this woman he had never met for the hurt
she had caused his brother. All of a sudden it occurred to him that if things
had worked out, Maria would have been his stepmother. Would it have been
different if Murdoch had brought him out to the ranch, would Maria have stayed,
would she have left Johnny home when she left. Too
many questions, I need to get to sleep.
Scott knew he was
avoiding the biggest question of all, Catherine.
The next morning
brought threatening skies. After breakfast, they set to work on the roof and
finished it before
"I'm not
surprised to see you boys, I was about to ride out and bring you in", said
Aisling as they rode onto the farm.
"Well, we got
about halfway through but it's going to have to dry out a little so we can be
sure that the shoring will hold," said Scott. "You may be stuck with
us for a little longer than planned."
Aisling laughed, "it's a pleasure to have you two around and Johnny, this will
give us time to work with Apache if you're still willing."
"Hello boys. Come in and dry off. I guess the weather had a different idea
of what was to be done today." Nuala had heard
them ride in and had put the teakettle on.
"Fraid so, Nuala, Perhaps there's
something that could be done around the house since we have this extra time. I
think Johnny's already has a job but I'm free as a bird", said Scott.
"Well, I've been wanting to get my mantle hung above the fireplace. I
had it made in
"Sounds fine,
show me where it is".
Nuala led Scott to a
cubbyhole off the kitchen. He retrieved the mantle and they returned to the
living room.
After a few
minutes of comfortable silence, Nuala decided to open
the subject.
"Scott, you
asked about Maria. Wouldn't you like to know a little about your mother?"
Scott paused. He
looked at Nuala and made the decision to trust her.
"I don't
know. It's hard to ask about something you don't feel a connection to."
"Tell me what
you mean?"
Scott sighed and
put the hammer down.
"I don't know
what I'm supposed to miss or who I should be missing. I never knew a mother. When
I was around friends and their mothers I wondered what it felt like to have a
mother but it was more of a curiosity than a sense of loss. I didn't know what
it was I was supposed to be sad about. The way people reacted when they found
out that I didn't have a mother gave me the idea that I should be upset and sad
but I wasn't. I had always felt taken care of. Grandfather made sure of that.
When they said how sorry they were, I would smile and say, thank you, all the
while terrified that they would find out what an uncaring person I was because
what I felt wasn't missing my mother. I was feeling rotten because I couldn't
miss her - I didn't know her. How can a son not miss his mother......"
The last statement
as made with such pain that Nuala thought her heart
would break. She would never have imagined that he was carrying this burden of
feeling badly because he didn't miss Catherine.
Scott put his head
down in his hands - "Grandfather talked about her all the time, the
servants too, she was an icon, a wonderful person, I
know she was beautiful. I've had the same dream on and off all my life. I'm
sitting in a chair, I'm watching a woman walk away
from me. She's not leaving me or running way or abandoning me, she's just
walking. I'm not angry or sad, just confused."
Scott stopped
talking and looked at Nuala. The confidence of the
highly educated, army officer was gone. In its place was a young man whose face
revealed the struggle he was going through.
"Scott,
there's no need for you to feel badly about this, the
way you've explained it makes perfect sense".
"You don't
know Nuala,
all my life I've felt like I didn't miss a mother but what I missed was not
missing her."
Nuala wasn't sure what
to say that would help the young man before her.
Scott looked up
and smiled sadly. "Well it's said. Maybe, you can teach me about my
mother, Nuala."
"I will do
that Scott, I will, It will make me proud to introduce you to Catherine."
"Tell me,
Scott, about your father. Can you speak to him about this?"
"No,
not now. I told you that I never felt my mother had abandoned me but I do feel
that way about Murdoch sometimes. He never came for me until he needed me to
help him save the ranch. I'm not sure what he wants of me or expects."
Nuala could have easily
strangled Murdoch at that point. Hadn't he told Scott of his attempts to bring
him home, of the letters and presents sent, of his trip back East. What was he
thinking?
"Scott,
Murdoch is a complicated man, I know he loves you and has always wanted you
home with him but that is something you will have to learn from him. All I
would ask is that you give yourself the time to learn. He is a good man, a
stubborn man, but a good man."
Scott smiled.
"Well, I think I've made that commitment at least for now." Scott
stood and went back to work on the mantle.
Nuala wanted to go over
and hug this man but wasn't sure how he would react. In a moment of impulse,
she decided to take the risk. She walked over and took Scott in her arms. She
felt his gratitude for her acceptance and no words were spoken.
After dinner, Aisling looked for Johnny. She found him in the corral
speaking softly to the mare. She noticed that he did not "pat" the
horse but scratched her. She approved. Too many times, she had seen horses
being "patted" and reacting as if it were some kind of correction.
The scratch is a better choice. The horse recognizes it as affection. Johnny
was trying to teach the horse to relax with the other horses. He would calmly
walk Apache over to the corral rail and whistle for Nuala's
horse,
Aisling called to Johnny.
"What do you think child, enough for now?"
I think so, Mamo, I think she needs this every day, a little at a time
and she'll be fine", said Johnny.
"I
agree."
Johnny led Apache
to the barn and the stall and began to brush her down for the night.
Aisling followed.
"You do have the gift, Johnny. Come sit with me a while when you've
finished."
After the
afternoon's rain, the night was clear and crisp, the sky a sea of stars. Johnny
and Aisling sat on the farmhouse porch in silence.
Finally, Aisling spoke.
"I know I
asked before Johnny but I'm wondering- an old woman's curiosity and you should
feel free to tell me to mind my own business- how are
things at the ranch?"
Johnny closed his
eyes. How to answer the question. The easiest way would
be to tell her she was right - it wasn't her business and leave it at that. But
Johnny was feeling a need to connect with someone - maybe he could safely talk
with this woman. She reminded him a little of the abuelas
in the villages he had known as a child. He envied the children who had not
just a mother to care for them, but a grandmother as well. Grandmothers to the
young Johnny seemed to exist only to love and defend their grandchildren.
Teresa said everyone called Aisling grandmother, so
maybe he could pretend she was his grandmother.
Aisling sat quietly and
waited. She hoped that he would decide to trust her but she wasn't going to
push the question any further.
Johnny decided
-"It's good sometimes and not so good sometimes," Johnny said.
"Why?"
asked Aisling.
"I wasn't
sure why the Old Man got me out of the firing squad - I guess you heard that story?"Johnny asked looking over at Aisling. She nodded. <I guess you heard a lot of
stories> Johnny thought. "The only thing I knew about him was that he threw
my mother and me off the ranch when I was just a kid - but he saved my hide,
was giving me $1000, so why not. I figured he owed me that much. After Pardee, I had to make a decision and part of me wanted to
stay and part of me wanted to go. Mostly, I stayed because of Scott and
Teresa."
"How did you
feel about finding out you had a brother."
"Always
wanted one when I was a kid, then I wouldn't have been so.....," he
stopped.
Aisling was sure he was
going to say "alone" - but Johnny didn't finish the sentence.
"Anyway, I
like having Scott around. Like I said he's one reason I stick around even when
the Old Man and I are butting heads."
"The
other reason?"
"Well, the
second day I was here Teresa told me a different story about why I didn't grow
up on the ranch."
Aisling didn't respond,
waiting to see if Johnny would continue.
"I guess you
know what she told me," he said softly.
She looked at
Johnny, she could see the hurt and shame, yes, shame in his face, knowing that Aisling would confirm Teresa's story.
"I imagine
that she told you that it was Maria who choose to
leave rather than Murdoch running her of the ranch."
Johnny sighed and
nodded. "All my life I hated him. I blamed him for... so many things. Then
I get here and find out that I shoulda been hating her," he said with bitterness. "I guess no
one around here though very much of her."
"Do you want
me to tell you about Maria, Johnny?"
There was a barely
perceptible nod.
"Maria was a
beautiful child, That's right, Johnny, a child. Maria
wasn't much more than 18 when she married your father. He was very much in love
with her and for the first few months she seemed happy. She helped Murdoch
around the ranch and worked with the hands' families. She helped out at the
"I began to
see a change in your mother as her time came closer, moodier, restless. I felt sorry for her, far from her family having
her first child. It was a difficult birth. Thank God you both survived. Murdoch
was ecstatic about you. At first your mother appeared happy again and had
settled into a routine. She brought you along on visits. Oh yes, boyo, I knew you as a little one, Aisling
smiled and was glad to see the hint of a smile from Johnny. It quickly faded
and he put his head down again, twisting the bracelet on his left wrist.
"Then
what," he asked. Aisling was struck by the flat,
emotionless tone of his voice.
"Her
restlessness returned. She seemed to resent being tied down. I think Murdoch's
plan to bring Scott back frightened her. My guess is that she was overwhelmed
with the thought of caring for two young ones Murdoch was busy with building
and running the ranch and was often away. I don't believe that Maria felt she
fit in his life any more and she wanted more excitement."
"So partly
Scott not being able to come home was my mother's fault?" Johnny said quiety.
"Johnny, you
sound like you believe it's your fault," Mamo
said sharply.
"No, it's
just that it seems my mother was much more trouble than she was worth to
everyone around here," he answered with some irritation.
"Are you
angry with your mother, child," Mamo asked.
"I don't want
to talk about my mother," Johnny answered sharply.
Mamo wasn't put off so
easily.
"I think you
should."
"I think you
should mind your own business, old woman!" Johnny yelled and immediately
regretted it.
"I'm sorry, I
didn't mean that," he apologized.
"I think you
did mean it Johnny and it's all right", Mamo
answered.
"It's not all
right, nothing about my mother is all right", Johnny said with bitterness
in his voice.
"Johnny it's
okay for you to love your mother.". Mamo said softly.
Johnny looked at
the old woman. He was full of all kinds of emotion.
Mamo continued, "and it's okay for you to be angry with her too."
"What do you
mean, how can I love her and be angry with her at the same time?"
"You can love
her because she was your mother, you can be angry with her because she lied to
you and wasn't able to give you what you needed."
"Sometimes,
sometimes, I feel like I ........like I hate her!",
Johnny said with a half sob.
"Do you hate
her Johnny or do you hate what she's done?" questioned Mamo.
"Does it make
a difference?"
"A
very big difference, child. You have a right to be upset with Maria.
She was not fair to you and you suffered for her indifference or immaturity or
whatever it was that led her away from Lancer but you can also love her because
she was your mother and I truly believe she loved you child. I often wondered,
after she left, whether there was something that I or Nuala
or Maura could have done to make it easier for her to stay. I'm only sorry that
you went through a childhood not feeling love because of what the adults in
your life couldn't or wouldn't do."
Johnny was
beginning to get his emotions under control.
"I did feel
that she loved me Mamo, he said softly, but there
were so many times..... " He did not finish the
sentence and Mamo did not press him to continue. She
could hear the pain and confusion in his voice but also his need to maintain
control. This was not a man who wanted pity.
"Can you
speak of any of this with your father?"
"No, Murdoch
sees my mother when he looks at me - I think that sometimes he wishes I hadn't
stayed."
"I can tell
you that's not true, he loves you child. You need to give him the chance to
learn how to show it. Will you promise me that?"
Johnny looked over
at Mamo and saw in her eyes what it seemed he
searched for all his life. He didn't understand what it was about her that let
him talk about his mother the way he had but he felt as if a little weight had
been lifted from him.
"I promise,
I'll try", he answered softly.
"Good, to bed
now, there's hard work to be done tomorrow."
Johnny walked back
to the barn, took out his bedroll and lay down. After a half hour or so he knew
it would be a sleepless night. He walked back out to the corral and stood
watching Apache. The conversation with Aisling kept
running through his head. Since coming to his father's ranch and hearing how
Maria had took him away from his father and the reason why, he had battled with
the emotions memories of his mother caused. Anger, betrayal, hurt and love, yes
love, he admitted with a deep sigh. The funny thing was that when he thought
about his father, those were the very same emotions he felt. The whole thing
made him very tired, all he wanted to do was to find
some peace in his life. He supposed that it was one of the reasons he was
becoming so close to Scott. Scott was only support, acceptance and caring with
no history to deal with. Apache walked over to the rail, Johnny buried his head
in the horse's neck, sighing deeply again. "Well amigo,te he said to the horse, "I guess all I can do
is what I told Mamo I'd do, just try." With that
he walked back to the barn hoping to get a little rest before dawn.
The brothers
headed out early the next morning to tackle the irrigation ditch once again.
Murdoch rode into
the Carlin's farm. He hoped that the work would be almost done and he was
anxious to see how the past few days had gone.
"Nuala", he called from his horse and he entered the
farmyard.
"Murdoch,
lovely to see you. The boys are out working on the ditch. They should be
back by the middle of the afternoon"
"I see
they've fixed the barn roof."
"Yes and hung
a mantle and helped Mamo with one of her horses. Come
in and we will talk about what you really want to know."
Murdoch grinned.
He knew that he couldn't fool these women.
Aisling was at the table
when Nuala and Murdoch came into the kitchen.
"Murdoch! How
are you", Aisling greeted her neighbor.
"Fine, Mamo, fine, I've come to check on the boys", he
answered.
"You've come
to see if we had the chance to talk with them about Catherine and Maria," Aisling said.
Murdoch felt like
a schoolboy but acknowledged that it was true. He wanted to know how it had
gone.
Aisling started,
"Murdoch, you have two fine sons who love each other and want to love you.
They are both more concerned with how their brother is doing than with
themselves. There are strong feelings about their mothers. Johnny particularly
carries a huge burden and the way his life has gone and the way he has been
treated seems to make him think that he isn't worth much to anyone. That's why
I think he is so happy with knowing Scott. It's clear
Scott loves Johnny and wants to make sure he is always okay. That role for
Scott is also a concern, he needs to know that he is
not responsible to make everything okay for everyone around him."
The more Aisling spoke the sadder Murdoch seemed.
Nuala continued, "It's true Murdoch, Scott takes on a great deal of
responsibility. He needs to know that he has a right to be taken care of too. I
don't think we should tell you all that the boys talked about. There needs to
come a time when they can say those things directly to you and you will need to
hear what they have to say with a new ear. Just try to listen to what they say
and hear what they really mean".
"I feel that
I've failed both of them in so many ways," Murdoch said sadly.
"Murdoch, you
all have a chance for a new life, you all need to be patient with each other
and ready to forgive each other for the past. You can't ignore the past, it has
to be dealt with when it can be but the focus has to be now and the future. It
can be done, don't give up", counseled Aisling.
"Well ladies,
I thank you for all your trouble, I'll try to do my best."
"Fine, fine,
now let's have some tea and wait for the boys to come in."
They heard sounds
of laughter and clattering hoofs about an hour later.
The boys spied
Murdoch's horse tied to the farmhouse porch.
"Hey
"Yep, little
brother, hope we're getting a good report from the ladies," said Scott
with a smile.
"Hello,
boys. How did everything go?" asked Murdoch.
"Oh, I think
that ditch will last for a while now," said Johnny.
"And the roof
held during yesterday's storm, added Scott.
"Your sons
have done a wonderful job, Murdoch, thank you for sending them over," said
Nuala. "Now, stay for dinner", she
commanded.
After dinner,
Murdoch and the boys got ready to leave.
Nuala walked out with
Scott, "Take care of yourself, Scott, Come back and see us when you can.
Remember my promise to teach you about your mother.
"I
will," said Scott, with a kiss on Nuala's
forehead, "Thank you."
Johnny was over
that the corral saying goodbye to Apache.
"She'll miss
you, child".
"You think
so, Mamo? I'll miss her",
saying Johnny softly patting the horse's neck.
"Good-bye
amigo, Listen to Mamo, she'll treat you good",
whispered Johnny to the horse.
"I'll see you
soon, Johnny?" asked Aisling.
"I'll be
back" he answered.
"Slán agus beannacht
leat - good-bye and blessings with you," said Mamo as she traced the cross on Johnny's head.
"Adios, abuela. Thank
you" Johnny answered.
As the boys
mounted their horses, Murdoch walked over to the two women.
"Thank you again, I'll try to follow your advice. I can't tell you how
much I appreciate you helping the boys".
"Hush now,
Murdoch, go home, start enjoying your family". Said Aisling.
"What do you
think, Mamo?" asked Nuala
as the three rode away.
"I think
they'll be fine, she answered.
-fin-